Tuesday, June 28, 2005

ALL Things FedEx

I have a new name for FedEx.

How about FedUP?

A package was suppose to be delivered to my house on Monday. FedEx attempted to do so, but because no one was home (gee...imagine that, no one at home. Could theyyyy beeeeeee WORKING?) they left a handy-dandy door tag, or DT as it is called in the biz, on my BACK DOOR.

Now pay attention because this is where it gets good.

The DT simply said, "Sign this and we'll leave it here tomorrow." It also said, "This is attempt #1." Is it me or does this sound like a warning? After the third attempt, do they shoot you?

AnyWAY... I signed the DT, and carefully attached it to the BACK DOOR. You already know where this is going, don't you? Sigh....

Next day, FE arrives. (Darn it! I'm still not home. Wherefore Art Thou Woman? Could you be at a J-O-B?)

Well I'll show you FE thinks... I'll go to the FRONT DOOR this time! Aha!

And so... FE leaves yet another calling card. ATTEMPT #2...

Now, this wouldn't be so bad except FE had to walk past the BACK DOOR where the signed tag was hanging to get to the FRONT DOOR. This ain't rocket science people. THE SON arrives home, sees the new DT and calls me at work and says "Guess who strikes again?"

I was furious since I needed this package.

Listen up. Step awayyyyyyy from the Customer Service help at FedEx... that is, if you can ever find the number to call them in the first place. They are about as helpful as teats on a bull.

Is this a rant? Darn tootin!

After explaining the circumstances to Mr. FedEx, there's dead silence on his end. I say, "Hello?"

"Yes ma'am."

I say, "Ah, did you just hear my explanation of what happened?"

"Yes ma'am."

I added, "And that he walked right by the first tag and left yet ANOTHER ONE?"

Frustrated I said, "ANDDDDDDD?" (raise your reading voice an octave or two and insert exclamation points... as many as you want)

"Yes. Ma'am, your driver (he's MY driver?) has gone home for the day."

End of conversation.

Feeling the veins in my neck popping one by one, I decided that in five years this wouldn't matter and I sure didn't want to go out of this world hollering at FedEx.

Besides, I didn't want to give FedUP an excuse NOT to deliver my package tomorrow.

So, I told Mr. Personality to forget it.

However, I've decided I want to work for FedEx Customer Service. I mean, how hard can it be? People call, they complain, and I say, "Yes--no, Your driver and Elvis have left the building." Then I return to my game of solitaire.

Better yet, give me a truck... I want to deliver. You stock up on door tags and wait till everybody goes to work, then just leave tags... if you play your cards right, you'll never have to lift a box.