Sunday, June 10, 2012

The Final Good-bye...or is it?

Writing is sacred to me. I haven't written in such a long time; mainly because my heart didn't have anything to say. You see, when I write, it's a window to my core. It tells the world what's going on inside of me.
To some, that's scary. Don't worry, your secrets are as safe as a Mother's love. Or as my dear friend Nancy used to say, "I'll keep it as good a secret as you did." Ouch!
Nancy kept me grounded and no whining. What kind of friend is that?
The truest kind. The kind of friend that finds the good in others even when you have to dig to China to find one morsel of good. One that will shake you and say, "Enough already! Put your big girl panties on and deal with it. Now, let's go have some Chinese food. That and duct tape can fix anything."
You know, she was right.
Nancy died. A disease ravaged her body and claimed a sad victory. First, I was angry at Nancy for supposedly giving up and leaving. Then sadness overwhelmed my soul. Mix that with the anger and what do you get? A woman who could walk upright under a snake's belly. I've never been lower.
I wasn't there when Nancy died, but I knew the instant she left. Gut? A solid, 40-year friendship? Dunno. I just know I felt something leave my heart.
It's taken me months to realize that it wasn't Nancy leaving that I felt that day, and it wasn't "the final good-bye." Nor was she making a hole in my heart to be filled up with endless tears. Always the organizer, Nancy was simply making room for all the memories to nestle in, get comfy, and nudge me on days when the loss seemed unbearable. Like today.
I miss my traveling buddy, my girl-pal, my confidant. I have so much to tell her; so much has happened. I'd write her a letter only I don't have stamps and let's face it, my "mail" person can't hit MY mailbox. So what are the odds my post would make it to Heaven?
I'd call, but I couldn't afford the long-distance charges, although AT&T would declare me their new, best friend.
So for today, like so many others, I'll gently retrieve the memories from their permanent home. I'll laugh, I'll cry and I'll hold conversations that only Nancy and I would understand.
I'll massage each and every memory until the edges are worn. Then, just like a favorite book that's been devoured again and again, I'll place them back where they belong. Most of all, I'll thank her for always being there...and for being here now.
I'll look for you in the clouds.JJ - BFF cloud watcher...



Blogger Ruth said...

Oh, JJ, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart hurts for you. On the other hand, I'm glad to see you back to blogging; I have missed your funny insights. And your friend is probably nudging you to get on with your life; she will never be truly gone as long as you hold her in your heart. You can still talk to her and she will respond, even if it's only in your heart. I'm sure you know what her answers would be.


9:20 AM  
Blogger Queen Jaw Jaw said...

As I told another friend this AM, Nancy is surely looking for misplaced commas. She was the best! Thank you Ruth...I miss YOU as well. I feel like I'm back though...scary, ain't it?

9:30 AM  
Blogger Jane Carroll said...

So glad your emotions found words today...I have no doubt that they found their way to Nancy's heart. Just keep writing...please!

10:20 AM  
Blogger Queen Jaw Jaw said...

I'm thinking you and Nancy are in cahoots. Love you,'re such an inspiration! Folks, if you haven't read Jane's blog, do yourself a favor. I'm glad I did/do!

10:26 AM  
Blogger Eagle Heart said...

Oh Georgia, tears are running down my cheeks in sadness for your loss. I'm so sorry. I have lots of loved ones in Heaven, they seem to be trying hard to tell me that they're all okay and loving it up there. Lots of great golf courses and endless buffet tables...

Don't know what else to say, just know that I'm sending caring thoughts on the wind your way. xoxo

12:05 PM  
Blogger Queen Jaw Jaw said...

You're such a dear, Sharon. Good friends share their grief...even better friends divide it. Love you, Hun...just having a bad day.

12:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Our Georgia is back,..but I'm so sorry that it is grief that brought you back to your blog. I remember you talking about Nancy, and especially about your trip to Ireland with her. I remember thinking how wonderful to have such a close friendship; - a sister heart.
No one will be able to replace your dear friend. But if you reach out to your Boomer sisters, maybe a little bit of all of us put together, can help you through this. Know that you have and always will be a very special part of our lives. My heart goes out to you.
Friendship never dies, in this world and in the other one beyond.

1:14 PM  
Blogger Eagle Heart said...

I know I've spoken ad nauseum about my brother Gary's death. It's been 5 years, and there are still days/moments when the agony of absence can scrunch me all up into a writhing ball of tears. Not a day goes by...he wasn't just my brother, he was my very best friend in the world. Nobody can ever take the place or fill the hole left behind by a friend like that. Writing helps me to get the pain outside of the core of me and into a shape and texture that doesn't scrunch me up so badly. I honestly don't believe that time heals these kinds of wounds, just teaches us how to co-exist and/or live around them...and to find other people who don't mind sharing in both the memories and in those bad-day-moments that hit without warning. We're here for you've been there for so many of us over the years.

1:32 PM  
Blogger Queen Jaw Jaw said...

Wow...Nancy is not only up there organizing Heaven's files into military-style filing, but I'm now totally convinced she somehow prompted me to write. I can hear her now..."get it out, you'll feel better. Just don't whine."

You women are incredible. What started out as a blue, blue day has ended on a note of gratitude and love.

I don't know how to thank you all.

4:07 PM  
Blogger Ruth said...

You can thank us by sending money, er, I meant, writing more. Yeah, that's it, write more, and send money! LOL

8:03 PM  
Blogger Queen Jaw Jaw said...


6:22 AM  
Blogger Robin Svedi said...

So sorry to hear of your pain and loss. <3

7:43 AM  
Blogger Queen Jaw Jaw said...

Thank you Robin. I miss our chats!

4:39 PM  
Anonymous Karen G. said...

You certainly hit the nail on the head in your description of Nancy. You could look the world over and not find a better friend. Love her or hate her, it didn't matter. She was what she was, take it or leave it. I loved her. She could make me see another side of any situation, and I cherished that in her. I know you miss her terribly, but I also know that she's keeping tabs on us, and we are going to be in such deep stuff when we see her again. Much love to you, JJ.

8:52 PM  

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