Monday, July 26, 2010

New Friends Needed

I have a friend who just put in a pool. She's worried that Wally World might not have the outdoor cushions for her lounge chairs in the color she wants.

My heart bleeds.

Another friend just received a new car for her birthday from tickets to her favorite entertainer, a first class hotel, and moola to spend on...whatever. It's out of town, so should she drive the new Lexus or take the Corvette?

What a burden.

And yet another said she's retiring and found out her retirement was actually more than she's bringing home NOW. But she's worried and has committed herself to monthly pedicures instead of weekly.

It's a cold world (insert rolling eyes)

Then there's my friend who says its near impossible to find a summer home on the river complete with furnishings...this was said as she forked over 300.00 for a pair of shoes.

Let's see...that's 150.00 per foot.

I'm not jealous of my buds. Okay, big fat lie. I'm jealous down to the bone, but I DO love them. Honest injun.

It's obvious though, I need a new set of friends.

I've decided to hang with deadbeats from now on so that my life can appear suckLESS. So, if you want to run with da Queen, you must first meet my low standards.

Da Queen's Running Buddy Qualifications are:
  • You work your fingers to the bone yet you're always broke
  • You're wearing underwear the same age as your oldest child
  • You're car is older than the underwear
  • You buy store brand items vowing they do not taste like cardboard
  • You've convinced your cat that bologna is good for them
  • Your 401K is...wait, never mind, you don't have one
  • You like fried pickles (I just threw that one in, it's optional)
  • The Salvation Army gives YOU stuff
  • You don't have any bad vices cause you can't afford to be bad
  • You peep through your neighbors windows to watch cable
  • You rob Peter to pay Paul...and Mary
  • Your "decision-making" dial is set permanently on stupid
Applications are now being accepted on a first-come basis.

Whoever said writing was a profitable business, didn't write humor for a living. The line forms at the rear. Mine...for kicking.

JJ - Down and out in Alabama


Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK - sign me up....consider this my official application (am I first?? am I first??)....I meet almost all of those qualifications of yours and some you didn't even list (haha). You have to remember that the LOWER the standards you set, the BETTER you look (usually).

This started my week off with a suitable smile. Tee Hee


8:43 AM  
Blogger Queen Jaw Jaw said...

Thank you Pam. I do have standards, you know...low they may be, LOL!

8:50 AM  
Blogger Ann and Dennis said...

Sorry, I no longer qualify. I am $300 shoe gal, but at least my underwear is less than 2 years old. My income is much, much, much lower after retirement, but I work as little as possible. Oh, wait, I forgot, I take care of D 24/7, and don't get paid much for it. Maybe I do still qualify.

9:37 AM  
Blogger Ann and Dennis said...

oops, I meant I am NO $300 a pair of shoe gal. And my car is newer, but it the cheapest you can buy and still get an engine that doesn't run on mice power.

9:38 AM  
Blogger Queen Jaw Jaw said...

You're in, babe. No worries, as my bud Dee says.

9:49 AM  
Anonymous Robin said...

I fit most of the qualifications but I must admit that I've never tried a fried pickle. :)

Then again, I've also never had my feet in a pair of $300.00 shoes.

7:26 PM  
Blogger Ruth said...

I have had $300 shoes; but only paid $5 for them at my favorite thrift/consignment store that only has designer duds. My car is 10 years old; but I draw the line at old underwear. And although fried pickles are a staple in the South; and I lived there for much of my adult life; I'll have to pass on those.

So which list does that put me on??

Love ya, JJ! :)

7:48 PM  
Blogger Queen Jaw Jaw said...

You gals get in under the wire but initiation (or Hell Night as we call it here in the South) will consist of eating a batch of fried pickles. This is only if you want to earn your T-shirt and cap.

Gawd, I love you broads!

11:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My Daddy always said, pick your friends carefully.

• Have a friend with a boat, who hates to sail alone.
• Collect friends with summer homes, who love to show them off.
• When your friend needs a second opinion for shoe shopping, wear your worn sneakers.
• Friends who own restaurants, will charge only half price, if at all.
• And while you are at it, a doctor friend is always practical.
• A lawyer friend loves to give free advice
• And,…a fisherman friend, will never complain about your cheap perfume, and always needs someone to dump his fish on.

In exchange, you supply your friends with your original million dollar worth humour.

Angelika :-)

4:51 AM  
Blogger Chatty Lady said...

You gals take the cake, and I bet you eat it too. Not sure if I qualify or not, I have some of the bad and some of the good but you can bet your sweet bippie no one handed me any of the good, had to scratch and claw for most of that. They are however generous with the crap and give it freely. JJ, I think we would do just fine as really close friends, we are like two pee's in a pod.

5:07 AM  
Blogger Queen Jaw Jaw said...

Dear new friends. I'm thinking of opening a T-shirt shop. I think I found my first dozen customers...and new friends.

The Big Pod.

6:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know I love you, JJ, but I won't eat a fried pickle for love or money. I always said that the day I voluntarily eat a pickle is the day you'll know I'm pregnant. Maybe that's why I never had children, cuz I never ate a pickle.

Holy underwear ought to count for something.

Your unpickled holy friend, Sharon

6:38 AM  
Blogger Queen Jaw Jaw said...

Sharon, you think I would kick you out of this illustrious club just because you don't eat pickles? Peeshaw, I say! Your religious underwear (holy) is your free pass. Who luvs you, Hun? Da Queen does, that's who!

6:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Girl, I love you. Sign me up. I'll be your friend every day of the year!

8:20 AM  
Blogger Queen Jaw Jaw said...

Too late, Dots. You already are! I have your T-shirt and cap ready. And your fan. It says, "I'm a fan of Queen Jaw Jaw." Get it? Fan--Fan?

11:29 AM  
Anonymous Jean said...

So funny, da Queen! And true.
I qualify 'cause I'm wearing clothing from over a decade ago. And some of it is still new.

But my stockpile is gettin' a tad lower each yr. ;)

I love volunteer work, it's nearly becoming a full-time, paid job!

And I ride a bike everywhere. Even though I live a short walk from transit. I'm that cheap. (but want fun).

10:58 PM  
Blogger Vicki Flower said...

Having lived in a trailer park, having to walk almost a mile to get water, coming home to a frozen toilet,
battling sewage in my shower, and battling bears on my walk to and from work, I'd say that I qualify to be your friend, too.
And what is it with all of these word verifications??????????

2:23 PM  

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