The Final Good-bye...or is it?

Writing is sacred to me. I haven't written in such a long time; mainly because my heart didn't have anything to say. You see, when I write, it's a window to my core. It tells the world what's going on inside of me.

To some, that's scary. Don't worry, your secrets are as safe as a Mother's love. Or as my dear friend Nancy used to say, "I'll keep it as good a secret as you did." Ouch!

Nancy kept me grounded and no whining. What kind of friend is that?

The truest kind. The kind of friend that finds the good in others even when you have to dig to China to find one morsel of good. One that will shake you and say, "Enough already! Put your big girl panties on and deal with it. Now, let's go have some Chinese food. That and duct tape can fix anything."

You know, she was right.

Nancy died. A disease ravaged her body and claimed a sad victory. First, I was angry at Nancy for supposedly giving up and leaving. Then sadness overwhelmed my soul. Mix that with the anger and what do you get? A woman who could walk upright under a snake's belly. I've never been lower.

I wasn't there when Nancy died, but I knew the instant she left. Gut? A solid, 40-year friendship? Dunno. I just know I felt something leave my heart.

It's taken me months to realize that it wasn't Nancy leaving that I felt that day, and it wasn't "the final good-bye." Nor was she making a hole in my heart to be filled up with endless tears. Always the organizer, Nancy was simply making room for all the memories to nestle in, get comfy, and nudge me on days when the loss seemed unbearable. Like today.

I miss my traveling buddy, my girl-pal, my confidant. I have so much to tell her; so much has happened. I'd write her a letter only I don't have stamps and let's face it, my "mail" person can't hit MY mailbox. So what are the odds my post would make it to Heaven?

I'd call, but I couldn't afford the long-distance charges, although AT&T would declare me their new, best friend.

So for today, like so many others, I'll gently retrieve the memories from their permanent home. I'll laugh, I'll cry and I'll hold conversations that only Nancy and I would understand.

I'll massage each and every memory until the edges are worn. Then, just like a favorite book that's been devoured again and again, I'll place them back where they belong. Most of all, I'll thank her for always being there...and for being here now.

I'll look for you in the clouds.JJ - BFF cloud watcher...

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