Monday, July 26, 2010

New Friends Needed

I have a friend who just put in a pool. She's worried that Wally World might not have the outdoor cushions for her lounge chairs in the color she wants.

My heart bleeds.

Another friend just received a new car for her birthday from tickets to her favorite entertainer, a first class hotel, and moola to spend on...whatever. It's out of town, so should she drive the new Lexus or take the Corvette?

What a burden.

And yet another said she's retiring and found out her retirement was actually more than she's bringing home NOW. But she's worried and has committed herself to monthly pedicures instead of weekly.

It's a cold world (insert rolling eyes)

Then there's my friend who says its near impossible to find a summer home on the river complete with furnishings...this was said as she forked over 300.00 for a pair of shoes.

Let's see...that's 150.00 per foot.

I'm not jealous of my buds. Okay, big fat lie. I'm jealous down to the bone, but I DO love them. Honest injun.

It's obvious though, I need a new set of friends.

I've decided to hang with deadbeats from now on so that my life can appear suckLESS. So, if you want to run with da Queen, you must first meet my low standards.

Da Queen's Running Buddy Qualifications are:
  • You work your fingers to the bone yet you're always broke
  • You're wearing underwear the same age as your oldest child
  • You're car is older than the underwear
  • You buy store brand items vowing they do not taste like cardboard
  • You've convinced your cat that bologna is good for them
  • Your 401K is...wait, never mind, you don't have one
  • You like fried pickles (I just threw that one in, it's optional)
  • The Salvation Army gives YOU stuff
  • You don't have any bad vices cause you can't afford to be bad
  • You peep through your neighbors windows to watch cable
  • You rob Peter to pay Paul...and Mary
  • Your "decision-making" dial is set permanently on stupid
Applications are now being accepted on a first-come basis.

Whoever said writing was a profitable business, didn't write humor for a living. The line forms at the rear. Mine...for kicking.

JJ - Down and out in Alabama

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

What's in a Name?

A friend of mine says her name gets slung around and misused all the time. Same here. When you have a name that is synonymous with a state, and you live in a town that is also a part of that state, guess where your mail goes.

Living in Athens, AL, but having the first name, Georgia, means that well-meaning letters and post go to Athens, Georgia, then they are returned to sender.

That's when I'll get a call or email saying, "Hey, your letter/card/check was returned to me." CHECK? You sent my CHECK to the wrong place? A pox on you! Why I ought-a-- Ahem...sorry.

I've considered having my name changed to prevent this, but what's in a name? Heritage, that's what.

I was named after my Uncle George who drowned at a tender, young age...and I adored him. He was kind, gentle, and everyone that knew him loved him. I'm hoping for name-osmosis. Hey, it could happen. So change my name? No way.

But it's not only mail that gets sent to that other state, it's callers who don't know me and who take liberties with the pronunciation...LIKE Georgie (I detest that one), or Georgianna, or Georgina. How hard is it is say, GEORGIA? It's two syllables, for Pete's sake. GEOR-GIA.

There you have it. One name, two syllables. Except, of course, when it was Mom. Then it became Georgia Lynn Staggers! Did you do ____! (fill in the blank) and yes, I usually did it. Bawwwhahahah...but that's another story for another day.

I'm proud of my name and love the fact that Uncle George is looking down and most likely saying, "I-ya-ya...that she a mess or what?"

I ams who I can call me Georgie (but you're out of the Will), call me Georgianna, call me Hard-headed Hanna, or anything else you want to call me...within reason, of course. I will answer. Especially if you have a check in hand.

A Queen by any other name is still a Queen.

Geor-gia (pronounced Jaw Jaw when said realllll slow and reallll Southern)

Friday, July 02, 2010

Celebrating the 4th, and Towanda

Americans everywhere are cleaning out the old grills, making homemade ice cream, buying up hot dogs (the nectar of the Gods) and getting ready to celebrate the 4th of July. Sure wish the firemen would let me use my grill again.

AnyHOO...I'm celebrating too. Only my celebration of freedom and independence is two-fold today.

Freedom and independence means celebrating first why we are free (Thanks to ALL of our Armed Forces, love you!) but it also means celebrating who we really are because we have been given this precious choice.

It means never having to tell a lie about how you feel, what you think, or if those pants really do make your best friend look wider than a moving van.

It also means being all that you can be, stretching yourself daily, and living the life you really want; despite the naysayers.

I like to think of myself as Towanda (Kathy Bates) from the movie Fried Green Tomatoes.

Whenever I pull into a Wally World parking lot, I always remember those morons who deliberately steal Towanda's parking space right out from under her. Bawwwhahahaha...bad move, whippersnappers.

In an instant, her life of being the whipping post for others and always doing what they told her she should do, flashed before her eyes.

Towanda snapped. Enough was enough. She slammed into their car and kept doing it until she felt empowered. She drove off a new and happy person, changed for life. From that day forward, she was true to her own self.

Are you being true to yourself?

You don't have to run over anybody, or their car, to be the woman/man you want to be. Just follow your gut and live your dream. If you aren't living your dreams, whose dreams are you living?

Towanda yourself!

If you want to be a singer, do it.
If you want to be a dancer, do it.
If you want to be an actor/actress, for Pete's sake, do it!

If you want to be a humor writer, a pox on you. Just joshin' with ya, it!

Celebrate who you "really" are inside and if you start having doubts, just shout to the world, TOWANDA ...and feel the power!

I know I do...

JJ - Celebrating her TowandaNESS