The Top 10 Things I've Learned about Cooking Chicken

There are some people put on this earth to cook delicious, yummy things, and they find their way to people's hearts through their culinary creations.

I ain't one of um.

The problem is that I love to try; with "try" being the operative word here. People who know me, fear me.

Even my dog Trixie has moved three doors down and sends word she'll not return until I've sold my stove and installed vending machines in the kitchen. Wimp.

My sons answer their phones with questions, instead of greetings. They say something like, "Oh, it's you. Whatsamatter, the fire department there again?"

Everybody's a comedian nowadays.

In spite of their jabs and the fire department's warnings, today it was chicken. Why do I do it?

Anyway, on with the smok---ah, I mean on with the show.

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The Top 10 Things I've learned about Cooking Chicken

1. Before you buy a chicken to cook, learn the different parts. They are not all called "legs." Who knew?

Note to readers: Thumping is for watermelons, not chicken, but hey, go ahead--have some fun. If you thump four or five of them (use both hands or...ask nearby shoppers to join in), it can sound very similar to "Jumpin’ Jack Flash!" However, you may find that the "meat department" has NO sense of humor.

2. Wear heavy duty, workman's gloves (the ones that come up to your elbows) while messing with icky chicken parts and while you're at it, safety goggles. Ewwww!

3. If you buy a whole chicken, you do not have to use a flashlight and look inside for eggs. Well, excuse me, but how hard would it be to put that on the label?

4. Good news! It's no longer necessary to break out the chainsaw to cut up one of those suckers. Weed-eaters work just as well. And they say I'm dumb! HA!

5. Do not go for long walks while cooking a chicken, or put on Gone With the Wind. However, it is possible that you could get a new paint job for the kitchen, and a new stove. So I ask you, is this really a bad thing?

6. Do NOT watch Animal Planet right before you stick a knife into the chicken. You won't like yourself.

7. Just because your brother-in-law, the jokester, tells you to add bananas to your chicken casserole, doesn't mean it's a good thing. That's sokay, he has to sleep sometime.

8. There is no "3-second rule" with icky chicken parts dropped on the floor. I don't care if nobody saw it. Wash it thoroughly or throw it away. And don't confess to dinner guest what happened. They will suddenly loose their sense of humor, and appetites.

9. Do not tell the ladies at the church social that YOUR delicious chicken casserole is an old family recipe and so you couldn't possibly share it. You're at church, for Pete's sake. Besides, the woman who baked it at the deli will be the preacher's wife's first cousin. Trust me on this one.

10. All chicken casseroles do NOT taste like CHICKEN. Some taste like bananas.

I tell ya...it's hard being Queen of the Universe sometimes.