Wednesday, January 26, 2005

All Things Gym

It seemed like a good idea at the time. Who knew?

Our company installed new gym equipment, all state-of-the-art, just for us, their super employees. (More like super-sized if you ask me.)

Anyway…a couple of us decided it was a good idea to join and become the lean, mean machines that we once were. Why, it would only take a few weeks to see the results and get us back on the road to being the goddess’s we were always meant to be. Again I say…who knew?

Lesson number one. If you joined a gym of ANY kind, buy “gym” clothes. Do not work out in bluejeans, you’ll regret it, and the inside of your legs will never heal. The T-shirt with, “I’m too sexy for my Mini-Van,” another no-no unless you don't mind laughter, hysterical laughter. And don’t even think of wearing those old sweatpants that have the holes in the you-know-where area. Gym people can be cruel.

Lesson number two. Staring at the gym hunk? Bad idea. His wife is close by, and she can bench press more than he can. Focus on the nerd. It may not be pretty, but it’s safer, and it WILL remind you of why you're there. If you don’t get in shape, he’s the one you’ll be dating.

Lesson number three. Gym people who tell you to push a little harder, or add some more weight to the bar are sadists. They want to see you cry. Do not listen to these people. Avoid them at all cost. Unless of course, they fall or pull a hamstring. Then laugh hysterically.

Lesson number four. Eating potato chips while on a treadmill is frowned upon, even if you offer to share. Who knew? However, you CAN sneak into the ladies room and go into one of the stalls. Crunch softly. Wipe mouth thoroughly, then reappear. Note: Potato chip bags are not bio-degradable…who knew? Gym people AND maintenance people can be mean.

Lesson number five. If you are leaving the gym after a good workout, and stopping by the local Taco Tavern, chances are you’re wasting your time. Know your limits. You can’t have it both ways. Choose one or the other. A body like Shania Twain, or Taco Tavern? You have to decide. And I won't EVEN say, "who knew?" Because now...

…munch…munch…I know.

7 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amazing how you can hit the nail on the head with your stories and make it sooo funny to read. I love this story! I just joined a gym...no men allowed. I don't even have a nerd to look at. Life IS rough at times.

6:28 AM  
Blogger Heather Osterman said...

Dear Queenly One,

I was howling my way through this until I got to the last paragragh, which stopped me cold. What are you implying about all the Taco Taverns and their brethrin? It almost sounds like you are suggesting their food might be fattening, but that can't be right... Don't you watch all the ads on TV? Greasy burgers, cheese laden tacos, and sub sandwiches made on a pound of bread are actually healthy and slimming! We all know advertisers would never mislead us, so....?

11:50 AM  
Blogger Vicki M. Taylor said...

Who knew reading about someone in agony in the gym could be funny!! JJ, you're da Queen. Trust me, you have nothing to worry about from little ol' me.

2:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well as usual you had me laughing hysterically but this time it was PARTLY because I could identify with this whole thing...although I joined a women-only gym, it took me a while to take it all seriously AND it took even longer NOT TO STOP at McD's or somewhere on the way home from all that great exercise to pick up a few "fatburgers" (as my husband calls ANYTHING from fast food restaurants) to - well - replenish my energy after all that exercise....WHAT? That's not the way it's supposed to work? Well a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

Thanks for another hilarious look at Life With Our Queen!

Pam aka Pinki
http://pamelajunekimmell.com

3:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You must walk through life wearing humor eyes. You find fun at every turn. Keep 'em coming girlfriend. You must exercise at night because you mention tacos and not the morning sausage and biscuits you get at the drive-thru. Caught ya!
Dotsie Bregel
www.boomerwomenspeak.com

8:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about the women at the gym who complain to mgt. if a man is staring at her or speaks to her. I only spoke to three women in six months and the one I told via e mail I did not want to go out with her told the mgt. I was saying "inappropriate" things to her when it was totally untrue. I was terminated from the gym.

5:51 PM  
Blogger Queen Jaw Jaw said...

Oh anon... that is awful! That woman should be made to wear stripes or something. Not fair! Not fair! Why on earth would they take one person's word over another? Especially without proof... sounds like to me you should find another gym... I don't think I would want to belong to one that reacted in such a way.

6:05 PM  

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