Sunday, January 09, 2005

All Things Flu

The Flu Season Or…Drugs are our friend

During the flu season, check with your doctor BEFORE taking ANY medications. There’s a reason they’re called “drugs.”

You feel super-human, invincible, and generous...GENEROUS is the key word here...

That is until they wear off…then you feel like you’ve been drugged thru the streets by your toenails. And why are all of your siblings in the driveway?

Drugs can make you do things like:

< See Elvis under the pile of clothes by the bed. Yesterday, it was Jimmy Hoffa…today Elvis…tomorrow is “beam me up" day. Right Scotty?

< Call factories where elastic is made and tell them how much you love them.

< Call all four of your siblings and tell them to come get:

--Oldest - The priceless antique broach that was handed down to you by your great-great-great-grandmother, the Cherokee Indian Princess.

--Sister number two – The $799.99 you’ve tucked away in the coffee can under the bed…between Jimmy and Elvis. Who needs to retire? Her boob job is much more important!

--Number 3 sister - You proclaim loudly, “Your son needs a car? Take mine. I’ll finish paying if off. Since he can’t get insurance anywhere, why not put him on MY policy? Oh peeshaw…I do what I can.”

--And baby sister - "Oh I insist!" How much can out-of-state tuition be anyway? After all, this IS her first year at Harvard...Does she need a car? Furniture? An off-campus apartment?

<You show up at your friend Liz’s house, in your pj’s, drooling from your beloved medications. She answers the door and you say, “I want you to have this” and proudly thrust the “donut” ring at her which was given to you by the hospital…back in 1974…to sit on, after giving birth. You’re feeling mighty proud of yourself for sharing. Obviously, she’s at a loss for words.

<You give your children the pin number to your credit cards, checking account, and 401K. You ask them to find more meds. Bring lots and lots. Life is a pillow. You’re so freakin’ happy.

<And last but certainly not least, you call your boss. Through your drug-induced giggles you rap, “

Yo, Boss Man…me-no-come-in. You pain in butt, doing drugs again.
Yo Boss Man…send money. Scotty’s here…beaming up-gotta go now honey.” Beezzzz...butabeez…beezzz butabeezz…butabeezz…beeezzz…


Anonymous Anonymous said...

How can you be so funny when you are so sick Huh???? Just one question oh great Queen....I thought you promised ME that donut!!! Oh, and before those drugs totally wear off, I sure would like to take a world cruise and - well - since we ARE such good friends and everything, I just thought - well - YOU KNOW.

Your Royal Servant
Princess P.

5:04 AM  
Blogger Heather Osterman said...

Oh dear, oh dear oh! Dear Queen! All this time we thought you deserved a Royal Entourage -- and now it turns out you need a Royal Keeper!

So, what IS the pin number to all of your accounts...

Laughing out loud,

10:56 PM  

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