Wednesday, November 17, 2004

All Things Diet

Everybody re-evaluates their lives at some point, even if in secret.

This isn't necessarily in the form of a total overhaul either. They basically stick with the bigee’s. Like losing weight, quitting smoking, career moves, or dumping your spouse for a Brad Pitt look-alike. (Now you’re talkin’)

I’ve pretty much needed a complete re-assessment for quite some time.

Take the diet part. I’ve been on a diet longer than most people have lived, and haven’t lost a pound. I belong to a group of “diet buddies,” or sadists as I like to call them, who decided it’d be therapeutic if we reported every single morsel that went into our mouths, on a daily basis. Oh yeah, like we would. Can you say lie?

For instance, when asked what I had on Monday for a snack, I replied, “animal crackers.” And guess what? That’s the truth. The fact I had a 16 oz. bag never came up. Hey…they don’t ask, I don’t tell. I’ll admit I’ve sworn off animal crackers though. I’ve eaten enough of those suckers to supply the next ark.

But I can honestly say that in reassessing my “bode-ness,” I really don’t know what happened. I use to be slim. Okay, that’s stretching it. (no pun intended) I use to be slimmer. Much slimmer. To the tune of three sizes. It’s like I woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and there they were, a set of cheeks held up by multiple layers of chins. I had grown them somehow, and in a short period of time.

Not stopping there, another set of cheeks displayed the same mysterious growth pattern…EXTRA-LARGE. I can only guess this all took place…while I was sleeping. My son said, “more like…in your dreams.” He hasn’t caught on to the “you mock me, I get even” thing. Kids…they never learn, do they?

Note to self: Wash son’s underwear in with pink stuffagain.

Recently I took an airline trip, and either my hips have gotten wider, or they’ve ripped out all of the seats in their entire fleet and replaced them with smaller versions. This was yet another sign revamping was in my future.

The final blow to my extra-large self occurred at the grocery store yesterday. A man pulled into the parking lot in his brand new red truck and took two parking places as I was pulling into one of them. He got out of his truck and smirked at me as if to say, “not next to MY truck you won’t.”

I moved, but as we both entered the grocery store I said, “Good thing everybody doesn’t think they deserve larger spaces.” Still smirking and never missing a step he said, “Tell that to your hips.” My first reaction was ‘Towanda’ as in the movie “Fried Green Tomatoes.” Remember that? Where she rammed someone’s car for making fun of her? But then I knew my insurance lady would stroke…and cancel. So, I did what any Oreo-eating woman would have done in this situation.

I screamed at the top of my lungs, “No! I will not blow in your ear you pervert! I don’t care if you do love big women!” Dead silence amidst the entire store as every single shopper stared at Mr. Smarty Pants. This was followed by tons of laughter on everyone’s part, including mine, as he ran to his new red truck and departed.

Don’t ever try to out-hateful me…you won’t win. I’ve come to the conclusion, however, I’ll never make it as a dieter, or as a motivational speaker. I’m not sure, but I don’t think they endorse largeness…or revenge.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You mean to tell me you aren't honest in the diet forum?! Great work. Keep making the world laugh!
Dotsie Bregel

2:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Queenie, that was the best one yet. I'm still laughing. I'm starting to think in terms of maybe your bringing the sit-com back to television. I know I'd watch.

3:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who needs to diet when I can read "All Things Royal" and laugh myself to the point that I lose 5 pounds just giggling so hard???!!! Well, I have a feeling I'm not the ONLY ONE who can identify with this one Madame Queen. Personally I think they DID put smaller seats in airplanes...uh huh...yes they did too!

Pinki/aka Pam/aka author of The Mystery of David's Bridge

3:54 PM  
Blogger Heather Osterman said...

Jaw Jaw, you really got me with this one. When I got to the part where you screamed at the jerk, I fell out of my office chair! (Note to self, buy chair with arms...)

Funny as this is, I do have to correct you on one major point. We aren't getting bigger -- it's the mirror manufacturers. No pride in workmanship anymore. Those things just lie and lie and lie. I know for a fact I am NOT that old, fat gal looking back out of MY mirror. It's obviously WAY distorted.

You know, if you want to take revenge on your kid (why would you even think of doing his laundry, anyway?), it's time to start telling stories. Like, what's your most humiliating moment as Mom? Can't wait to hear!


7:19 PM  
Blogger Donna J. Shepherd said...

This one was one I could definitely relate to. I saw a report the other day that said we're ALL getting bigger. So it's all relative! *g*

I'm certainly glad you're my friend! I wouldn't want to be on your 'bad side.' LOL!!! I bet the guy in the truck will never go back to that store again!

Thanks for the laughs. - Donna

10:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Loved this one! How many times I've felt like doing this, or worse to some jerk!

Gratuitous violence with this one and it felt great!


12:24 PM  
Blogger Rhodi Alers de López said...

Oh JJ: Slim or not, you're a winner anyway you put it. Bet he learned his lesson well.

2:17 PM  

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